A Grand Birthday Adventure

My birthday is exactly a week from today.. I’ve not been especially happy about this. It is my 30th birthday and it’s not going to be anything like I thought it would be…

Andrew and I were planning to take a trip to the Grand Canyon for my birthday.. it was going to be my first time going to a national park, something I’ve been dreaming of for years. After losing him, I’d pretty much decided to forfeit my entire birthday and let it be swallowed up the grief. And then a few weeks ago a voice in me roared up…

That resilient, strong, nurturing voice inside that is always looking out for whats best for me. It’s always been me, but it’s also part him now too. And that voice says, “NO! This is 30 dammit! We are NOT forfeiting this birthday, I don’t care WHAT is going on in life!” And I know, that voice is right. Drew would not have settled for me giving up my plans because of him. He’d want me to continue to live my adventures – and my soul knows this is best, too.

So even if it means I have to carry this enormous ocean of grief on my back everywhere I go, I’m still going to go places. Instead of waking up sobbing in bed and rolling around in a blanket of depression, I will be welcoming my day of birth by watching the sun rise over the Grand Canyon. I may still be sobbing, but those tears are going to fall into a golden morning filled with natural wonder. Best of all, I will be going on this trip with Andrew’s mom. Just the two of us off on an adventure to celebrate my day and to celebrate him. I wish everyone I love could be on this trip, but I could not be happier that she is the one person I get to share this with.

We will also be spending some time in Sedona – a very artsy place – and hopefully get to check out Antelope Slot Canyon for some amazing photos. Thanks to a little encouragement from one of my best friends and to the family for helping make it happen.. I’m finding myself truly excited about my birthday.. which I didn’t even think was possible this year. I am most grateful.

I saw a quote earlier today that made me think of our trip…

“I so want to learn to open my heart wider and wider – to listen to it, follow it, and offer it to the world. If you’d care to join me on the journey, I would be honored to travel side by side, steadying each other as we stumble, rejoicing with each other as we progress, and reminding each other as we go that each moment is sacred.” – Terri St. Cloud

Here’s to a grand adventure!

Having an Attitude of Adventure

A lot of people have said how inspired they are by how I’ve been coping with all of this. I love when people say this, because my whole attitude in dealing with this came from knowing Andrew. And that means that he is still inspiring many.

Every day was an adventure for us. A lot of my friends and family has said that we did more in 3 years than most people do their whole lives. I dunno about that, but I do know we enjoyed living life in the present. We had many great adventures… skydiving, hot air ballooning, flying, parasailing, road tripping, and much more. Even a night watching movies and drinking wine was an adventure for us though, as we tried to have an attitude of adventure in everything we did. Whenever something new and scary came up – he would remind me that no matter what happened, it was going to be a grand adventure. I love that he instilled this in me, because it’s now become a part of me that helps me through each day.

When he left for Washington, and we knew we would not see each other for several months, we cried very few tears. Instead, we decided it was to be an adventure in learning how to find new creative ways to still feel close when so far away. This replaced fear of being without each other with excitement of deepening our relationship and ourselves as individuals. I was going to have time to pursue my own dreams and adventures while he was off flying… and he would not have wanted it any other way. He wanted the world for me, and he would never stand for anything less. For me to be sitting home alone missing him and miserable was just NOT acceptable. I loved this about him.

Incredibly enough, it is his very presence that keeps me going without him here. His presence is with me each day – pushing me towards my dreams, challenging me to find adventure and joy wherever I can. Encouraging me to take chances I never would have dreamed of taking before. Letting go of age-old fears and trusting things to work out. He does not want me to be miserable, and at times I can just feel him saying to get up and get going with my day. He wants me to take life by the reigns and see me live each day with as much passion as I can – the way he did, and the way we did together.

He wants that for everyone in his life. I know this because he told many friends to go live their dreams or fight for them, and many others he probably never told face-to-face but wished it for them. He wanted all of us to find and follow our passions. I encourage everyone reading here to embrace an attitude of adventure about life every day. No matter what comes your way, each day always holds a grand adventure within it if we choose to see with new eyes. I cannot imagine a better way to honor him than to do so.

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I’ve had some people email me privately since I began this blog to share how this story has affected their life and lead them to make beautiful, adventurous changes. I would love to hear of any adventures that our story might lead you on – no matter how big or small.
Please share it in a comment, or email me at sarahtreanor[at]gmail[dot]com if you’d like to share it in private.

A New Job Begins

I’ve been wanting to share some news about my new job since last week, but I’ve been working nights a lot and pretty beat by the time I get home… finally have some time tonight to share a bit about it! Firstly I would like to share that I am working at an awesome art gallery. I had one of the girls I work with take this picture on my first day there… I am in love with this photo – I’m totally in my element. I can feel Andrew smiling every time I look at it. He knew how badly I wanted to be an artist and to be surrounded by all things art.

The gallery is in Bee Cave, which is sort of on the outskirts of Austin to the west. For those who are unfamiliar with the south/central Texas area, my commute to work from Seguin is about an hour and a half. This may not have been the most convenient choice of locations I will admit, but I needed something to get me out of the house and that would get me involved in the art world in some way – and this one showed up at just the right time. Not to mention his step-mom had shown me this gallery earlier this year, telling me she thought it’d be a great place to tell some of my photography. What are the odds. I took that as a sign. And It’s certainly worth the drive. And really, who could complain with a drive like this:

Yup, definitely beats rush hour traffic through the concrete jungle of Dallas any day.
I’ll take it!

I still remember the day I went in to talk to the owner about the job. I was beaming and star-eyed as I explored and imagined working in this space… surrounded by the work of talented artists on every wall and table. When I left and got into my car that day, I cried important tears… tears of gratitude. I said “thank you” over and over again as I drove away, because I knew somehow that he’d brought me here, and every fiber of my being felt that it was exactly where I was supposed to be right now.

To top it off, all the ladies I work with are a lot of fun and the woman who owns the gallery is just wonderful. I’m also getting to utilize a lot of my creative skills working there. I will be helping to manage the website and photograph new artwork to be posted online. Today, I spent the morning photographing jewelry… jewelry is always a challenge to shoot, but I love a good challenge! Here’s a few shots that came out fairly well just using natural sunlight. Nothing too fancy, but a good start! I hope to eventually get everything for the site reshot so that it all has a consistent and cohesive look to it.

This whole experience has been bittersweet. At the end of a good day at the gallery, I find myself wanting to call him and share every exciting detail of my day. But I know that if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even be doing this, so I guess really he is already there sharing in all of it anyway. Even on days full of heartache, it makes my heart smile to think of this.

 

 

Planting Wildflowers

A friend of mine shared this poem today. I especially love it because the last day I went to my job, I remember my boss referring to something at work as “a field we will dutifully plow”. No offense to her, but I was mortified by that statement. My heart protested that I would not be plowing any more fields, but that I would instead be planting wildflowers and letting them grow wherever they may.

If I Were There, I Would Hold You and Not Say Anything

It is not enough that we love.
It is not enough to hold each other
when shadows multiply.
Misfortunes procreate like jackrabbits in the field.
Misery more times more.

I travel inside your heart and hear weeping.
You let me walk in your gardens of hope
and I watch the flowers fail.
Sometimes rain refuses to come.
Sometimes sun is too much with us.
And sometimes it’s just not enough
that we plant a seed and tend it daily:
weed, fertilize and pray.
The seedling might die anyway.
And we may never know why.

But if we don’t plant flowers,
thorns come in.
And when we don’t grow gardens,
we build prisons.

It is not enough that we love,
and we must love anyway.
And when it is cold, we must hold each other.
When it is time, we must let go.
And when shadows come,
I will not run from your sorrow.
I will travel with you as far as you let me,
walk with you as long as you go,
hold your hand, knowing it isn’t enough.
And when it rains, I will dance in your puddles,
dance with you on your fallen blooms,
dance with you in your dimming light.
And when night swallows us with its cold, cold tongues
I will dance with you in the prisons we build.

And listen to me: be awake.
All around us, blessings drop like meteors
and fires escape their rings.
And wanting to help is the secret cup
that spills pleasure and purpose and salve.
And love, I know, is not enough,
but love is what we have.

–Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer

This poem means so many things to me. It is everything I’m experiencing right now. It is the kind of love he and I had for each other – and always will. It is the kind of love my friends and family and I have together now. It is life happening the way it happens – with no guarantees that you’ll end up where you wanted to… but living it well anyway.

My Adventure Book

I love the movie UP, a lot of people think it’s depressing, but I could not disagree more. Sure that first 5 minutes is a tear-jerker, but the story is so beautifully told, it is worth every tear. I have always related to the message of seeing life as an adventure no matter what life throws your way. This has always been my philosophy. But it’s not always that easy, is it? There are certain experiences in our lives that take the breath out of us – and leave us feeling as if we will never find joy again. I now relate to this, given the current experiences in my life. And so now I relate to this movie in a deeper way than ever. It is a story about about embracing the best of those we have lost. By doing so, we bring them with us on our journey, and we begin to rediscover our joy this way. This gives me hope.

In case you have not seen this movie (go rent it!), after losing his wife, the main character finds his life empty, without purpose, and full of bitterness. They’d grown up together, and grown old together, and now he was alone. Then one day, when faced with moving into a retirement community, he finds her adventure book, and realizes they never acheived one of her dreams. So he decides to take off and achieve her dream of traveling to a magical place across the world. In living her dreams, he begins to live his own. By embracing her best qualities into his own life – her sense of adventure and curious spirit – he discovers a new beautiful adventure.. and it is still one that she is part of because she is in his heart all along.

I just love this. It brings me hope to know that – even though my life is not a joyful one right now – the small moments of joy I do have are powerful. And that more joy will come over time. Those joyful moments are brilliant ones, because I know that he is still a part of them. He is there in everything that I do and see and experience, and every beautiful moment and person now has become so much more precious. I know that there will be many hard days ahead, and some days the pain will feel insurmountable, but I do find solace in knowing that he’s still in my heart cheering me on to live my own adventure. I’m even thinking about creating my own adventure book like the one she has in the movie – I can see him smiling about this idea. Yup, I may just have to make it happen.