A Big Little First

This weekend has been amazing. Challenging, scary, exhausting, sweet, beautiful, silly, and bursting at the seams with love. Mike and Shelby have been here now for 3 days and this afternoon they head home back to Ohio. I can scarcely even put into words how amazing and terrifying all this has been. After countless hours of Skype calls – to meet her in person for the first time. And for it to be so effortless between us… I don’t know how else to say it except that I have the same feeling about her that I did when I met Mike at Camp Widow: it is as if we have known each other our whole lives and much much longer even. It makes it hard to believe anything else except that the people we love and lost somehow put us together and know exactly what they are doing.

Here we are – an eight year old girl who lost her mother last year, a 32 year old woman who lost her own mother at about the same age, a 34 year old dad going through the same thing my own dad went through with me… Inexplicably connected by loss from 1400 miles apart on a chance meeting. Perhaps it is more than his wife and my fiance, but also my mom who put us together…

Last week I wrote very overwhelmed about all of this. And it isn’t to say I am not still overwhelmed – I am having my moments. I’ve never been around kids a whole lot, much less been in a relationship with someone who has a child. This is all VERY new to me. After 3 days I can begin to see just how tired you are by the end of every day when you have kids. I’ve never known that feeling before. But, as I was telling Mike last night, it is a really beautiful kind of tired – satisfying in a way that no other kind of tired ever has felt to me. Like every single thing you did that day, even just laughing and goofing off, was important work. Important work in bringing beautiful memories that she will carry with her always. The fact that I grew up without my mom makes me even more acutely aware of how meaningful the happy times are for children post-loss. There wasn’t a lot of laughter in the years after my mom died.

To watch Shelby playing so fearlessly… to see her enjoying life, embracing me into her world and loving being around me… it heals my heart in enormous ways. It heals age-old wounds in me about how painful my own childhood became after my mom died. To see Mike doing such a good job raising her, far better than my own father was able to do with me. To see Shelby so happy and well-adjusted and secure… it is a beautiful thing. She’s had to deal with some complex things at a young age, and she will always have grief to deal with throughout her life, but she is still able to be a kid. Far more than I was. Really nothing makes me happier than to see that for her.

I am convinced now that there is far more to meeting Mike than I ever could have realized. There are ways that our stories interconnect that is just beyond chance meeting. Yes, all of this is terrifying. And yes… it IS hard to let go of my old life… of my life with Drew and with my grief and my pain too. It is hard to lean into this new world that is so full of LIFE and love and laughter. It’s hard because I’ve been in the other world with my grief for so long that it’s become comfortable and safe. It’s also hard to do this without Drew – or at least without him physically here. But after this weekend, I think it is getting a little bit easier. I will never let go of Drew, but I do have to let go of the idea of the life we were going to have together to move ahead with a new life. That isn’t going to be easy, but the comments and support from everyone last week were truly helpful and so encouraging. I want to thank you all for that.

After holding my breath and just jumping in to some big first steps… I can whole-heartedly say that I am so very glad I have taken a chance on the things that have scared me. I was not ready for dating this year. I was not ready for meeting a spunky, hilarious, sarcastic little girl this weekend. I am not ready to stop holding on to the life I was going to have with Drew. But I don’t think “ready” actually exists. I think some things will always be terrifying and that we will never actually be “ready” for some of the hardest parts of grief and moving forward. All I know is that every time I am scared and I jump anyway, it always ends up being worth the leap.

It’s been 6 months now since I first sat down next to this guy at the Camp Widow meet and greet – the last place on earth I imagined to meet a MAN… much less a new best friend. It feels surreal. He and his daughter have already transformed my life so deeply that it feels like they have been here for years. And just as I cannot imagine my life without Drew, I can no longer imagine it without these two either. A year ago I could have never imagined such a thing coming into my life. Three years ago, when Drew was still alive, I could have never fathomed how my life would unfold. I’d never have believed you if you told me all of this would happen and I would end up here… falling in love with someone new, and with his daughter too.

All this dating and new love stuff IS hard and scary. And I forget sometimes that yes, it is supposed to be. The things that can bring us the most happiness are usually the scariest. I hope sharing about this journey encourages someone else out there. Not to go looking for love, but to grab onto life and to do something that scares you. If it scares you, then it means something to you. Jump in with both feet. No regrets. Jump in and LIVE.

Best (Foodie) Friends

Another thing I really miss about you… and about our life, is that you were my favorite foodie friend to explore all things culinary with. All of our favorite little hole-in-the-wall places in Dallas that we liked to each together… There was Deli News – the old NY Style deli just south of my place that was pretty much unchanged since the early 80’s when they opened. Where we went for breakfast every other weekend or so. You always got the eggs benedict and I always got Rick’s special, with the eggs, onions, potatoes and green bell peppers all mixed up into a big pile of awesome. And they had fresh-squeezed orange juice – just like my mom used to make when I was a kid, which was one of my favorite things ever.

Or Mama’s Daughter’s diner, where we went for breakfasts on the weekends we didn’t go to Deli News… where they had the best biscuits any gravy known to man, and we used to say that God must have laid those holy biscuits on the plates himself. Or there was Paparazzi Pizza – a hole in the wall in an old strip center in Carrollton – owned by that ridiculously nice Lebanese man who was always so kind and cooked up incredible pizzas from his wife’s recipes. Stuff like chicken and artichoke pizza with greek olives and feta cheese. God that was the best pizza ever… and we’d sometimes drive all the way across town on a whim just because we got an instant craving for it.
Then there was Pho Pasteur. My co-workers introduced me to this place and then I took you there for the most awesome Vietnamese noodle dishes and that totally epic soda lemonade that forced a smile on my face just to drink. Or “the margarita sanctuary”… Agave Azul – where we had the worst’s best margaritas, made with all fresh juices and no mixes. That is where we had things like vanilla and nutmeg or jalapeño margaritas and became margarita snobs. To this day, I still cannot drink a cheap margarita – and whenever I get the chance I still make them at home from all fresh stuff the way you started to after we went to Agave Azul.

And of course… there was Hibashi, the sushi/hibachi place where it all began. When one friend said to the other “I don’t have anyone to eat sushi with around here” And the other replied, “hey – me too!”. Where we ate nearly every week for 6 months back in 2009 – and sometimes twice a week just for the hell of it. It was where our friendship began, and where a beautiful and solid relationship unfolded. I still remember the very first time we went there. We still barely knew each other, but it never seemed so. We both tried to use chopsticks with the wrong hand (right for me, left for you) and failed so miserably… broken bits of sushi going all over the table as we attempted feebly to complete this task while we laughed like old friends. To anyone watching, you’d have thought we were two lifelong friends who didn’t give one damn about how ridiculous they looked eating like five year olds in a nice restaurant. That was such a great night.

There were a lot of other foodie experiences we had together – some incredible meals you made, some ridiculously fancy restaurants, and a cooking class or two. Over the years, we enjoyed so many kinds of food together as well. But whether it was american or indian or vietnamese,  whether it cost $3 or $300, the experience was always an adventure with you by my side. It was about discovering good things and enjoying them together to the fullest… about taking the time to truly savor each bite as an experience, and then fill the rest of the moments with love and endless laughter. I will ways miss having my best friend to enjoy the tasty moments of life with. Thank you for sharing those moments with me.

A Grand Birthday Adventure

My birthday is exactly a week from today.. I’ve not been especially happy about this. It is my 30th birthday and it’s not going to be anything like I thought it would be…

Andrew and I were planning to take a trip to the Grand Canyon for my birthday.. it was going to be my first time going to a national park, something I’ve been dreaming of for years. After losing him, I’d pretty much decided to forfeit my entire birthday and let it be swallowed up the grief. And then a few weeks ago a voice in me roared up…

That resilient, strong, nurturing voice inside that is always looking out for whats best for me. It’s always been me, but it’s also part him now too. And that voice says, “NO! This is 30 dammit! We are NOT forfeiting this birthday, I don’t care WHAT is going on in life!” And I know, that voice is right. Drew would not have settled for me giving up my plans because of him. He’d want me to continue to live my adventures – and my soul knows this is best, too.

So even if it means I have to carry this enormous ocean of grief on my back everywhere I go, I’m still going to go places. Instead of waking up sobbing in bed and rolling around in a blanket of depression, I will be welcoming my day of birth by watching the sun rise over the Grand Canyon. I may still be sobbing, but those tears are going to fall into a golden morning filled with natural wonder. Best of all, I will be going on this trip with Andrew’s mom. Just the two of us off on an adventure to celebrate my day and to celebrate him. I wish everyone I love could be on this trip, but I could not be happier that she is the one person I get to share this with.

We will also be spending some time in Sedona – a very artsy place – and hopefully get to check out Antelope Slot Canyon for some amazing photos. Thanks to a little encouragement from one of my best friends and to the family for helping make it happen.. I’m finding myself truly excited about my birthday.. which I didn’t even think was possible this year. I am most grateful.

I saw a quote earlier today that made me think of our trip…

“I so want to learn to open my heart wider and wider – to listen to it, follow it, and offer it to the world. If you’d care to join me on the journey, I would be honored to travel side by side, steadying each other as we stumble, rejoicing with each other as we progress, and reminding each other as we go that each moment is sacred.” – Terri St. Cloud

Here’s to a grand adventure!

Having an Attitude of Adventure

A lot of people have said how inspired they are by how I’ve been coping with all of this. I love when people say this, because my whole attitude in dealing with this came from knowing Andrew. And that means that he is still inspiring many.

Every day was an adventure for us. A lot of my friends and family has said that we did more in 3 years than most people do their whole lives. I dunno about that, but I do know we enjoyed living life in the present. We had many great adventures… skydiving, hot air ballooning, flying, parasailing, road tripping, and much more. Even a night watching movies and drinking wine was an adventure for us though, as we tried to have an attitude of adventure in everything we did. Whenever something new and scary came up – he would remind me that no matter what happened, it was going to be a grand adventure. I love that he instilled this in me, because it’s now become a part of me that helps me through each day.

When he left for Washington, and we knew we would not see each other for several months, we cried very few tears. Instead, we decided it was to be an adventure in learning how to find new creative ways to still feel close when so far away. This replaced fear of being without each other with excitement of deepening our relationship and ourselves as individuals. I was going to have time to pursue my own dreams and adventures while he was off flying… and he would not have wanted it any other way. He wanted the world for me, and he would never stand for anything less. For me to be sitting home alone missing him and miserable was just NOT acceptable. I loved this about him.

Incredibly enough, it is his very presence that keeps me going without him here. His presence is with me each day – pushing me towards my dreams, challenging me to find adventure and joy wherever I can. Encouraging me to take chances I never would have dreamed of taking before. Letting go of age-old fears and trusting things to work out. He does not want me to be miserable, and at times I can just feel him saying to get up and get going with my day. He wants me to take life by the reigns and see me live each day with as much passion as I can – the way he did, and the way we did together.

He wants that for everyone in his life. I know this because he told many friends to go live their dreams or fight for them, and many others he probably never told face-to-face but wished it for them. He wanted all of us to find and follow our passions. I encourage everyone reading here to embrace an attitude of adventure about life every day. No matter what comes your way, each day always holds a grand adventure within it if we choose to see with new eyes. I cannot imagine a better way to honor him than to do so.

————————————————————————-

I’ve had some people email me privately since I began this blog to share how this story has affected their life and lead them to make beautiful, adventurous changes. I would love to hear of any adventures that our story might lead you on – no matter how big or small.
Please share it in a comment, or email me at sarahtreanor[at]gmail[dot]com if you’d like to share it in private.

My Adventure Book

I love the movie UP, a lot of people think it’s depressing, but I could not disagree more. Sure that first 5 minutes is a tear-jerker, but the story is so beautifully told, it is worth every tear. I have always related to the message of seeing life as an adventure no matter what life throws your way. This has always been my philosophy. But it’s not always that easy, is it? There are certain experiences in our lives that take the breath out of us – and leave us feeling as if we will never find joy again. I now relate to this, given the current experiences in my life. And so now I relate to this movie in a deeper way than ever. It is a story about about embracing the best of those we have lost. By doing so, we bring them with us on our journey, and we begin to rediscover our joy this way. This gives me hope.

In case you have not seen this movie (go rent it!), after losing his wife, the main character finds his life empty, without purpose, and full of bitterness. They’d grown up together, and grown old together, and now he was alone. Then one day, when faced with moving into a retirement community, he finds her adventure book, and realizes they never acheived one of her dreams. So he decides to take off and achieve her dream of traveling to a magical place across the world. In living her dreams, he begins to live his own. By embracing her best qualities into his own life – her sense of adventure and curious spirit – he discovers a new beautiful adventure.. and it is still one that she is part of because she is in his heart all along.

I just love this. It brings me hope to know that – even though my life is not a joyful one right now – the small moments of joy I do have are powerful. And that more joy will come over time. Those joyful moments are brilliant ones, because I know that he is still a part of them. He is there in everything that I do and see and experience, and every beautiful moment and person now has become so much more precious. I know that there will be many hard days ahead, and some days the pain will feel insurmountable, but I do find solace in knowing that he’s still in my heart cheering me on to live my own adventure. I’m even thinking about creating my own adventure book like the one she has in the movie – I can see him smiling about this idea. Yup, I may just have to make it happen.