I Refuse

 

The other day

driving home from work

I realized that you did not die at all.

That when your heart stopped beating

and your veins ceased to drink

and your eyes closed upon themselves

you did not die.

You did not die because I refused.

I refused to lay down and

accept that you no longer exist.

I refused to believe that our love

could ever die.

And I will refuse it

until my own heart stops beating

and my veins cease to drink

and my eyes close upon themselves.

For all my days ahead

I will stand up tall

and I will fight

the very idea of you being “lost”.

I will question

everything that attempts to disprove

that you and I still exist together.

I will build

a new way of being with you.

Because WE do NOT die.

It is not in the nature of us

to simply cease to exist from each other.

You cannot be removed from me

any easier than

the stars can be removed from the universe

by a human hand.

I refuse your death.

Instead

I believe

I know

That we are as if

living in two countries

worlds apart

and we speak two different languages now.

Our new way of being

will be the most difficult challenge

we will ever face.

It will require quietness

and surrender

and acceptance

and an unfaltering belief

in what we cannot see.

It will require the fire of faith

and the courage

to sit with the pain

and give it love.

It will require parts of us

we don’t even know exist yet.

But they do.

And in this way

we will begin again

with a new language of love.

One that transcends

all barriers

all fears

all fires.

For we will begin again

with divine love.

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15 thoughts on “I Refuse

  1. This could not be more true, I refuse to believe Sarah is not with me, I cannot accept life without her, so I live on knowing her presence is within me!

      • Dear Sarah Treanor, when I first read this poem I did not read enough after to see it was written by a “SARAH” and that you would be monitoring comments or I would have added this personal thank you, you see my beautiful daughter Sarah passed away in May of this year and your poem gives me strength every time I read it. I have shared it with many in the hope that it will be shared with many many more people who have lost someone so special they have trouble moving forward without them. “I Refuse” is truly a beautiful and a helpful read for those of us that are dealing with unrelenting pain and sadness.My daughter Sarah taught high school English. Thank you, Thank you and never stop writing you have a gift. Sincerely, Leah

      • Oh Leah, this means the world to me. I lost my own mother when I was quite young too… and so I feel always a special bond to mothers who are on the other side of this sort of terrible loss. Thank you so much for your loving reply… i think it no coincidence that this message was sent to you by another Sarah. So absolutely she is finding a way to say something to you. Thank you so very much for sharing it – it’s notes like these that give me the courage to keep on writing.
        All my love,
        Sarah

  2. this is so awesome it’s how I feel all the time with the love of my life he;s living far away now it’s been one year the19 of oct.

  3. LOOK!!! you have comments!!! Im in love with this poem. I want to frame it and put it on the wall in my office, next to Tom’s poem about Grief is Not the Enemy … they are both so amazing and healing things to read. But I have a feeling that YOU would make the poem look really pretty for me and come up with some sort of cool artsy frame for it and do a MUCH BETTER job than I would of printing it and framing it and making it ART. So …. yeah …. get on that. hahaha love you!!!! xoxo

    • oh my gosh this was so awesome haha!! THANK YOU! I changed the settings for people to comment recently and it seems like that has helped the problem… i’ve had a bit more comments at least lol.

      Thank you thank you girl! Love you!!!!

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